The Happy Complex

Coping mechanisms, talk therapy, and crying it out only go so far – now what?

Sometimes life can throw us more than we can handle. Whether you’re “mentally healthy” or you’ve always struggled, no one is immune to traumas and tragedies rearing their ugly heads at the worst possible times – but then again… when is a good time for devastation?

When life hits hard, we can feel overwhelmed with painful emotions and even the best advice out there barely feels like it scratches the surface. Whether it’s a fresh loss or an ongoing struggle, what do you do when nothing helps? 

For this article, I’m assuming you’re already doing the heavy-hitting advice of seeking therapy, talking to trusted support systems, trying to find coping tools that help. This article isn’t about those – it’s about what happens when those still aren’t enough.  

Disclaimer: If you or someone you love is in a crisis and needs immediate help, don’t hesitate to call emergency services or someone you trust for support. 

Acknowledge It

What you’re feeling is valid. You’ve been through something horrendous. You’re not just gonna snap back to “happy” when you’re in severe pain. 

All too often I hear people trying to help by saying things like “it gets better” or “you’re not alone” or “this too shall pass.” These have always bothered me because they feel fundamentally dismissive of the feelings in the moment. 

Instead of thinking to the future, talking around it or trying to find sugar-coated words for it, I’ve found that one of the most helpful things to do is to call a spade a spade. Describe the situation using realistic words for it. Identify your feelings. Acknowledge the struggles. 

By using accurate words to describe the situation and reactions, you’re validating the reality of the circumstance. It can be hard to hear things without that sugar-coat shield on them, but it can also be a relief to hear that you’re not making a mountain out of a mole hill – you’re making a mountain out of a mountain. 

Try saying:

• This sucks.
• I’m allowed to be upset. 
• ____ just happened, of course that feels _____. 
• It would be weirder if I WASN’T upset about this. 

It’s Not About Forever

Living in the moment is hard enough when everything is happy, but choosing to stay in the moment when you’re in distress can feel impossible. We tend to replay moments or think ahead, but in moments of high-stress, it can be difficult to envision a positive outcome. We fear more pain, more tragedy, more suffering.

There’s a quote about coping strategies from the show The Magicians that has stuck with me for a long time – “Nothing works forever. But if you stop worrying about forever, there’s a lot of [stuff] that can get you through the next hour.”

Plenty of other shows and sources play on the same idea, setting small windows of time to focus on. One microscopic step at a time to get you through. Whether it’s one day at a time, one hour, five minutes, or ten seconds, stop worrying about forever and think small. 

Personally I’ve found it helpful to think of it as a Waiting Room. As uncomfortable as they usually are, you tolerate it because you don’t have much choice, and you know you won’t be there forever. Being able to sit in your own choice of chair and pick your own tv show is already a fair bit better than most waiting rooms out there. It doesn’t have to be perfect, you just have to wait it out til things become more tolerable. 

Half-way is Okay

Tough circumstances are the time to give yourself grace and patience. Do things half-way. Lower the bar. Put things off if you can. Opt for temporary solutions that get you through. Accommodate yourself with silly things, even if it feels stupid – it’s not stupid if it helps. 

(Note: this is not an endorsement of abuse, addiction, or any other endangering habit. Silly and stupid do not equal life threatening, they simply mean “unconventional.”)

A great example I’ve seen of this was a story floating around the internet of someone who told their therapist that they didn’t have enough energy to do the dishes because they wouldn’t get clean with just one wash in the dishwasher. So the therapist dug a little further, questioning the “rules” behind the dishes, and asked, “why don’t you just run the dishwasher twice?”

Questioning that rule was enough for that person to realize you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to take care of yourself however you can.

So break the rules, and do what helps:

• Run the dishwasher twice
• If you need one item – just wash the laundry you’ve got
• Leave the rest of the mess, just take out the stinky trash
• Eat a plate of bacon if that’s all you’re willing to eat

No, it’s not sustainable behavior, but remember the focus is not “forever” it’s just “for now” – worry about building healthier habits when you’re in a healthier place. 

Give Yourself Credit

It’s going to be tough. There might be days where all you can do is survive. There might be days where you wreck things. There might be days where you feel fantastic in the morning and crash by the afternoon. But you’re getting through. You’re trying. 

Try reminding yourself of what you’re doing:

• I took out the trash even though I thought I was too tired
• I got through the night even though I had nightmares
• I sat outside because it was all I could handle
• I made it through another day

These microscopic victories still count. They’re signs of life, signs of progress, signs that you can make it through. Even when it sounds like you’re doing nothing. 

Because it’s not just “nothing” – it’s allowing time. 

It can be frustrating when progress moves at a glacial pace, or worse yet, you’re dealt a huge setback. Feelings of impatience or even helplessness are valid. Take a pause to question – why is making quick progress so important, anyway? 

Emotions can be overwhelming, but there’s a big difference between processing them and speeding through just to dodge the pain. Sometimes the urge to rush isn’t even about the pain itself—it’s about believing you’re not allowed to take the time, or that falling apart isn’t an option. 

As you’re celebrating your micro-victories, include “allowing time” among them. This chapter of healing isn’t just about doing better – it’s about allowing those feelings, and allowing imperfection, allowing time to process and heal. So set your expectations on the floor. Did you exist today? Good job, we’ll see you again tomorrow.

Reclaim Your Control

At this point, you’ve acknowledged your problems, given them time, accommodated your situation, and given yourself a pat on the back for making it through another day. But maybe even with all that it’s still feeling helpless. 

It’s time to take back your power. 

Tragedy distorts our sense of control. For some, it sparks endless questions: what did I do wrong, what could I have done differently? For others, it creates a desperate scramble to fix the unfixable. Sometimes the blame lands on others. Sometimes it all feels like random bad luck, thinking why bother being careful at all?

The truth lies somewhere in the middle. You can’t control everything, no one can read minds or predict the future, and we can’t force our feelings. But we’re not powerless. 

Find small ways to feel like you have an impact on your own fate:

• Try a new restaurant and get whatever you want – even if it’s just dessert
• Build a comfort work-out routine – even if it’s 5 seconds long, it’s your choice of movement that matters
• Go to the library and check out books just for cool covers – even if you don’t read them
• Do a quick 10 minute tidy – even if it’s not perfect, you’ll be surprised how much you can do in 10 minutes

You’re Doing Great, Sweetie

Right now is hard, and that’s understandable. You’ve faced what’s happening instead of pushing it away, allowed yourself to feel without expecting perfection, and taken steps to move through it. You’ve noticed what you can control and made choices that are yours. All of that is valid and matters. Healing won’t happen in a straight line, and it doesn’t have to look a certain way, but if you can recognize even some of these small, real actions, you’re giving yourself what you need right now: patience, space, and permission to heal.

So as much as it sucks, just remind yourself that now is the time to survive, don’t expect yourself to thrive. That too will have its time… just now right now.

---

If you or someone you love is in an ongoing crisis and needs ongoing support, maintain hope that helpful support is out there. Patience is important, but if you don’t feel like the current support system is helping, you are allowed to (and should) seek other support. Change therapists, try different styles, different meds, maybe even a different diagnosis. It can be extremely challenging to keep trying different things, just don’t give up. 

And once again: If you or someone you love is in a crisis and needs immediate help, don’t hesitate to call emergency services or someone you trust for support.