The Happy Complex

How to stop overthinking it and start getting more out of your sessions.

Before I ever went to therapy, I had all sorts of ideas about what it would look like. I pictured the outdated Freudian couch, Rorschach inkblots, maybe even a clipboard full of mysterious checkboxes. I thought I’d get clear answers, step-by-step instructions, and maybe a few worksheets like I was back in school.

Mostly, I thought there was a “right” way to do therapy, and I worried there were wrong ways to do it.

The truth? It’s a lot messier, more personal, and more flexible than I expected. There’s no perfect formula, but there are ways to figure out if you’re getting what you need.

It’s (Mostly) Just Chatting

The most common style you’ll probably encounter is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). That’s just a fancy way of saying “talk it out with a professional.” There are no mystical tests, no probing assessments, it’s just chatting – and you’re the one in charge.

That can feel strange. Shouldn’t the therapist be steering the conversation? In reality, your therapist can guide and redirect, but you’re the one setting the focus.

A good therapist empowers you to set your own foundation of goals and boundaries, but they’ll help keep the sessions on track. Even during sessions that don’t feel productive, they’re still learning more about you. 

While you talk, the therapist is listening to what you say, how you say it, and even what you leave out. They’re determining where those pain points are, where your confidence lives, how you deal with complex emotions. 

They’re not psychic, they’re not even Sherlock Holmes, but a good therapist is there to actively listen, make simple but impactful assessments, and provide help. 

They might say things like “That story seemed hard for you to get through, I’m sensing a lot of grief around that.” or “Your eyes lit up when you talked about that, can you explore that joy a little more?” as ways to open the door for deeper work.

Using their years of training and experience, they help you unpack things at a responsible pace, and provide options to try and address any areas of struggle. These options can include talk therapy, professional insights, reframing, grounding techniques, practical tips, mantras, different perspectives, permission to be human, and more. 

Remember:

• Silence, pauses, and “I’m not sure” are valid parts of the process.
• Lighter or seemingly “unproductive” sessions still have a purpose – they help build trust and safety.
• Progress is not linear, and it takes time. 

What if it Feels Wrong?

Sometimes therapy just doesn’t feel right. Maybe you’re not making progress, maybe it’s too emotionally draining, or maybe it feels pointless.

When that happens, ask yourself:

Is my therapist the right fit?

• Your therapist should feel like a safe person.
• You’re not looking for a bestie, you’re looking for support and guidance.
• Even if you love their vibe, if they don’t specialize in what you’re dealing with, it may be time to ask for a specialist recommendation instead.

Is therapy a safe place to unpack difficult things?

• Processing tough stuff is challenging — but you should feel guided, not attacked.
• Building trust takes time, but you shouldn’t feel judged or dismissed.

Are my goals clear?

• Your therapist can only help you as much as you allow them to.
• If you’re lost even trying to identify goals, start there. It’s okay to ask for help trying to figure those out. 
• If your therapist is directing you to a different focus, ask them why (they may have misunderstood, they may have a good reason, or it might be the wrong fit for you)

Am I doing my part?

• Wanting change isn’t enough; you have to give tools a fair shot, even if they feel awkward at first.
• It’s okay to tell your therapist your hesitations, or share how awkward a “helping technique” feels – it may not be the right approach for you, or you may need to start smaller. 

Am I being realistic with my expectations?

• Progress can be painfully slow – you aren’t going to heal overnight.
• It’s okay to ask for a rough timeline to set realistic goals and expectations for healing.
• Some things are just hard, and that sucks (for example, nothing is going to bring back the dead) but therapy can still provide support and space to process.

When in Doubt, Just Ask

When I started with a new therapist recently, all my old anxieties came back:What if they can’t help me? What if they don’t like me? What if I’m just wasting my money?

In the past, I would spend the whole session recapping my week and I would always run out of time for the deeper questions. This time, I noticed I was doing the same thing and got frustrated. So instead, one session, I came in with one specific question to focus on. My new therapist didn’t seem to mind, but she did notice and ask, “What’s different this time?”

That opened the door to address the fears that had directed that change in the first place. I remember saying something along the lines of “I don’t know how to do therapy the ‘right’ way, if there is one.” And that became the topic for a bit. 

The takeaway? If you’re unsure whether you’re doing therapy “right,” bring that uncertainty into the room. Your therapist can’t help you with a question you never ask.

The Short Answer

There’s no single “right” way to do therapy. But here’s what helps:

• Be honest – even about confusion, fear, hesitation, or frustration.
• Be flexible – give yourself permission to change course if something isn’t working.
• Be curious – ask if something is bugging you, or if something doesn’t make sense. 

So it turns out therapy isn’t a rigid syllabus of assessments and worksheets to “fix” you. It’s a place to talk, process, and find tools that may help you navigate the unique set of circumstances in your own life. 

And the “right” way to do it… is whatever you need it to be.